Well! I’m 20 weeks pregnant, which means I’m officially halfway there. That idea is hard to get my mind around (as is … most of this whole pregnancy business, if I’m being honest). It feels a bit like I’ve been pregnant for an eternity already, although I have a feeling the second 20 weeks will go by a LOT faster than the first have.
Dan has been taking belly photos once a month, this is the first month in which I think I actually look pregnant, instead of like I ate a few too many burritos. I’m really excited about this, even if finding maternity clothes that work has been a lot harder than I expected. (The number of pairs of jeans I’ve ordered and returned is … high.) I can still get away with my normal sweaters and t-shirts for the most part, but those days are dwindling. And I haven’t been able to use those ridiculous belly bands (just wear your own jeans unbuttoned! Because that’s not awkward and super uncomfortable, even with a stretch donut of fabric preventing them from totally falling down!) in little more than a month, and good riddance.
I’m still pretty tired. It’s big news if I can stay up until 9:30pm these days, and that’s an improvement. I keep waiting for this mystical “second trimester energy boost”… and fearing it may never come. I’m kind of used to it now, and don’t really expect to get much done on weeknights other than sitting on the couch for a few hours. We’re also unpacked now, so I’m not staring at boxes feeling guilty while I sit around. Otherwise, I have been feeling pretty good, and feeling very grateful for that. I have some heartburn here and there, and I’ve been more congested as winter progresses (pregnancy rhinitis! It’s a thing!).
I had my 20 week ultrasound yesterday, which is the big anatomy scan where most people find out whether they’re having a girl or a boy… but we decided to wait and be surprised in May. In the interest of full disclosure, knowing that we could know (and having to look away from the screen to avoid knowing yesterday!) is a lot harder than when it’s just an idea. I totally understand now why people find out as soon as they can. But after a few scary test results earlier in my pregnancy, we will really be relieved to have a happy, healthy baby in May, no matter whether it’s a girl or a boy. (We had extra testing to confirm that the baby is, in fact, okay, but the whole thing was SO scary and it’s hard to forget how that “omg what if the baby ISN’T okay?!” felt. It makes us that much more grateful for every glimpse of the baby, for every “things are looking great” from a doctor or nurse, to be sure.)
No one seems to have any very strong guesses so far, other than Dan’s sister and my mother-in-law, both of whom are convinced that the baby is a boy. I’m wondering if it’s a girl (partially in direct response to all those “well I’m sure it’s a boy” folks?), based on the fact that there are four generations of eldest daughters who also happen to be the only ones in their generation with brown eyes (me, my mom, my grandmother, and my great grandmother). So naturally, that makes me think it’d be pretty cool to have a brown-eyed girl to make it five generations. However, I have hunches that lead me to think the baby’s a boy almost as often, so who knows, really.
It still doesn’t feel entirely real, except when it’s terrifying to imagine the two of us being allowed to take a newborn baby home to take care of all by ourselves. I have been reading blogs long enough to have read some scary birth stories and scary stories of sleeplessness and everyone in the house crying and how hard it is to learn how to be a parent. I know we’ll figure it out together… but it still doesn’t stop me from being a little… completely unable to process how it’ll all work. As a planner who likes to know ahead of time what I’m getting into, accepting that I can’t know this ahead of time will be my project for the next four and a half months. But I know Dan and I are a really great team, and we have so many people in our corner (in person and on the internets!). So as much as I’m terrified, I also know, somewhere in there, that we’ll work it out.